Countdown to Halloween: A Film a Week

Well, we're just a few weeks away from the big night where kids rot their teeth and your shy female coworker dresses up as Slutty Mother Theresa, fishnets and all. Halloween is not just about getting drunk at parties and hitting on 22 year-olds who don't realize you're 40 because you're wearing a pirate shirt and eyeliner. No, it's also about watching scary movies. Preferably, it's about discovering one of your favorite scary movies on cable and passing out on the couch at 1am. But it can be a tease. How many times have we all flipped the dial to AMC and been excited to see Michael Myers stabbing someone but -- "D'oh!" It's Halloween 5, not the original classic John Carpenter film. Should have known from the bad hair on the mask. They just never got it right after Halloween II.

So the Mung Hour is counting down each week until Halloween with a choice horror recommendation you can rent or pray to the DirectTV gods they'll air it this month. (Oh, if you use the word "choice" in a sentence, that 22 year-old chick you're hitting on at the Halloween party will nail you on your real age.)

This week, since we brought him up, John Carpenter's The Thing. There are remakes and then there are REMAKES. Carpenter took the 1951 horror classic and added a good dose of claustrophobia and latex rubber. People forget there was a time when filmmakers used real stage blood instead of CGI (I'm talking to YOU, Zack Snyder). Aided by a first rate cast of men over 35 (unheard of in Hollywood now), Kurt Russell shows us how justified paranoia, confined quarters and a shape-shifting alien can really foul up the workplace, particularly in -32 degree Antarctic weather.

Favorite line: After watching the creature morph from a colleague into a giant venus fly-trap, biting the head off a comrade before getting torched, Donald Moffat turns to his coworkers and says, "I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!"

Roadhouse The Musical!

In light of the recent gooey opera based on David Cronenberg's The Fly, The Mung Hour proposes a musical based on 1989's most underrated ode to mullets, throat-ripping, and groin-kicks starring the ever precious Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott.

Featured songs:
"The Double Deuce"
"My Way or the Highway"
"What if They Call You a C*cksucker?"
"Pain Don't Hurt"
"His Name is Wade Garrett"
"Not Much For Stamina"
"This is My Town"
"I F**ked Guys Like You in Prison"
"This is Our Town"
"Double Deuce: Reprise"

Kate Winslet Has Enough Cow Bell

In her upcoming WWII drama The Reader, Kate Winslet undergoes a miraculous transformation, apparently into Christopher Walken. We're not entirely sure if this blatant Oscar grab is meant to capture the attention of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, but the Titanic star's astounding similarity to the Walken begs its own movie, a la Being John Malkovich.

The question is how well she tap dances as host of SNL.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

(By special Mung Hour guest contributorm Double-S)

Last night, it hit me. They just don't make them like they used to. I know, I know. Old guys often look back at the films of their youth and decry that the new stuff is bat guano. No argument here. When I was a kid, my Dad just could not understand how why I thought Hopalong Cassidy sucked.

Today, my son simply cannot understand why I think Wanted blows. Folks, it's the goat from Narnia throwing curveballs out of a pistol. One, even if the once talented Doug Liman did create a suspension of disbelief strong enough to set aside simple physics, we still are left with a very nagging question: In 2008, with all the weapons at everyone's disposal, why is it helpful to burp a hanging slider out of a Glock 17?

It's dumb, but it doesn't know it's dumb. Since the film was based on a graphic novel, we're all supposed to buy it as art. Tell you what, if the 18-34 demographic wants to watch a four foot tall faun take orders from the former Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton, fine. I'll watch BELIEVABLE films, like Fire Down Below. This 1997 actioner featured the just barely pre-corpulent Steven Seagal as a gun toting, ass kicking EPA Agent sent to the back woods of Kentucky to bang Marg Helgenberger and beat the shit out of some now washed up country singers. Now THAT'S a movie.

What happened to the dumb action films where everyone knew they were dumb except the star? Make no mistake, when Jeb Stuart signed the checks to get Fire Down Below into production, he KNEW a movie about a gun toting ass kicking EPA agent was dumb, but WB owed Seagal two more films and this was better than a sequel to the one about the gun toting, ass kicking oil rig safety expert who couldn't figure out Joan Chen was Chinese, not Native American.

And I don't want to hear a Jason Statham rebuttal. All you have to do is watch the hot oil slap fight in the first Transporter and you know all you need to know about that guy's fan base.

Why can't we have dumb action films anymore? Yeah, Rambo 2008 was dumb, but that was mostly because of what the HGH did to the diameter of Stallone's cranium. Why can't someone get Dwayne Johnson to play a gun toting, ass kicking HUD agent who goes to the inner city to help a bunch of down trodden urban youth take back their neighborhood from a smarmy real estate developer played by Josh Charles?

A huge opportunity is about to be wasted this fall when Mark Wahlberg hits theatres as Max Payne. The movie is based on a video game no one has played since about 2003, but we're treating the movie as if it's not purposeful garbage. Like the character he played in Boogie Nights, Mr. Wahlberg seems blissfully unaware that his films are stupid. Though roughly 1/3 the size of Steven Seagal, Marky Mark seems age appropriately poised to take over the mantle abandoned when WB decided The Patriot should go DTV ten years ago.

Dumb action films that know they're dumb are CHEAP! Why spend $100M on Wanted, shelling out huge sums for Oscar winners to populate supporting roles? For $20M, you can throw a few bones at Sam Elliott and Jennifer Connelly, then let Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson play mismatched FCC agents on the trail of a potty mouth DJ who also operates a white slavery ring out of his Miami penthouse.

Putting a Period on the Period

Question of the day: who the hell is watching these period films? They are everywhere, yet does anyone pay to see them besides theater students and that chunky, closeted coworker who likes to give shoulder massages? Toss in a few single British thirty-somethings who actually think James McAvoy is a hunk, and that's about it.

Twenty years ago, a film like Dangerous Liaisons not only nabbed some Oscar nominations but even enjoyed an audience. Maybe it's because they were few and far between. For every Merchant Ivory film where Emma Thompson or Helena Bonham Carter sucked in their tummies for the corseted dress and Hugh Grant stammered in Edwardian attire, there are dozens of more recent films that come and go like the wind. And they all seem to star Keira Knightly. Perhaps her deal with the Devil for the Pirates franchise meant a lifetime of wearing bodices and doublets. Similarly, Orlando Bloom has done one film without a sword at his side, and it was one of Cameron Crowe's largest bombs.

When The Duchess comes out next month, ask anyone around you if they plan on seeing it and listen to the crickets. It's a foregone conclusion that a hunky actor seeks to pad his resume with period fare in an attempt at depth and range. Heath Ledger in Casanova comes to mind . Or the ditzy actress looking for credibility. Think Scarlett Johanns0n in The Other Boleyn Girl and The Prestige (at least the latter had Batman vs. Wolverine). One can't help but wonder what goes through a studio exec's mind when they say aloud, "Yeah, that fang-toothed bimbo from Spider-Man? Let's cast her as Marie Antoinette!"

Period films can be a terrific ride through history and great escapism if done with intrigue, style and a flare for the naughty. If we pay to sit through an entire film with Scarlett Johannson bursting out of her corset, can we please SEE HER BURST? R-ratings, folks. And how about some good ol' gore? Remember when Liam Neeson literally cut Tim Roth in half with his broadsword in Rob Roy? Now we're talking!

Nothing wrong with period films, but the recent past seems to be a lot cooler, particularly in the mid 20th century. May we humbly request a bit more L.A. Confidential and a little less Wuthering Heights?

That Summer That Almost Was: 2008 Movie Wrap-Up

(by Mung Hour guest contributor, Double-S)
We're pretty officially one film away from the unofficial end of 2008's Summer Movie Crop. Though Death Race and even Babylon AD's producers may take umbrage, this thing ends with Tropic Thunder as it's the last wide release with any real shot of making big bank. Actually, I take that back. I have no idea what to expect out of Clone Wars. Could not even venture a guess as to what that thing will earn opening weekend. (The Mung Hour ventures a guess - $17M based on tots who don't mind baby Jabba the Hutt who poops and farts.)

I've got to say this has been about the best summer in some time. A new super hero was introduced and an old one enjoyed his finest hour. An AARP eligible action hero from our youth returned to not embarrass himself commercially or artistically. Two cartoons hit it out of the park. Several bits of counter-programming exceeded expectations. R-rated comedy returned with a bang.

There were at least two bona fide sleepers with Journey To The Center of the Earth and What Happens in Vegas. Hancock was the quietest $200M+ earner I can remember. There were quite a few break evens that will surely go green when they hit ancillary markets. Hulk, Get Smart, Hellboy, and Zohan come to mind.

Unless Tropic Thunder dies, there were very few true bombs. Speed Racer will be the summer's champion no matter what happens from this point on. Some may want to put X-Files up on that pedestal, but if the budget really only was $25M, then it's probably got a better chance of lining pockets on DVD than several of the above noted middle tier films. SR was just a dump in the pants of both the studio and the creators. Way too much money. Way too much gayness.

Narnia may have successfully ended that franchise, because that one pretty much needed $200M to warrant another installment. It's like Superman or Hulk. Once the pooch is screwed, do you really try again?

Love Guru has effectively ended the tier one career of Mike Myers, though he may live on as some sort of shape shifting character actor. To the best of my knowledge, he's only appeared on screen once not masked by some sort of character persona and that was in Axe Murderer. He's used props for virtually everything else and even did so in his serious turns, such as 54.

Overall, I think we'll be looking back with longing come 2009. Unless some amazing shit gets rushed into production, we could be screwed. Then again, it does sound like that's happening. Tarantino is moving fast with Inglorious Bastards. Variety announced Pitt was in for the lead and that QT wants to be done by Cannes next year. Ballsy, but if he's been planning it for five years, there's a chance he can make it happen quick.

Quantum of Solace (or, Suantum of Qualace if you've heard the new song) and some other 'serious' fare is about all we have left to look forward too. The poster for Righteous Kill seems more like an ad for a laxative. At some point, both Pacino and DeNiro have to accept that they're way closer to seventy than fifty.

Max Payne? House of Lies? State of Play? The Spirit? Day the Earth Stood Still.

Oh, and after seeing the preview, let me be the first to predict the end of Jim Carrey in Yes Man. Looks bad bad bad. And he's finally aged to the point where he looks his age and having Zooey Deschanel as his female lead is borderline creepy. I'm sure he'll make a mint on Christmas Carol in 2009, but the zany urban comedy is oh so over for him.

So, there you have it.

Do We Still Want Our Mummy?

1999 was a pretty big year at the movies, bigger still for visual FX houses. April gave us a double punch of The Matrix and The Mummy, both groundbreaking films in their use of CGI and balls-out action A month later, we were forced to endure Episode I: The Phantom Menace. While wishing the pox upon George Luca$ for the intolerable He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned Binks shoved down our throats, most people would agree that the FX of the pod race and the space scenes were top notch. Now can we go back and digitally erase young Anakin from the entire movie?

Out of all the blockbusters of '99, Stephen Sommers' The Mummy was arguably the best date movie. Derided for its overuse of CGI, implausible action sequences, wretched dialog and cardboard characters, it was very successful and launched the careers of Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz onto the A-list. It was a fairly pioneering film that blended modern technology with the Raiders-esque style of action and setting and threw in a dash of 1930s classic horror.

2001's The Mummy Returns worked really hard to weave in an absurdly convenient storyline for its protagonists and introduce us to the Rock, but it relied too much on CGI and too little on any real weight of story. Basically, the Mummy comes back and there's a bunch of fighting leading up to one of the weakest CGI character since "E.T. the Extra Terrestrial" video game for the Atari 2600. We're talking about that absurd Scorpion King monster with the Rock's digital face glued to it. Horrible. And it committed one of the bigger TV/Film sins, introducing a young kid, aka the 'Cousin Oliver' for all you Brady Bunch fans.

So this weekend, we've got The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Much Needed Universal Tentpole. We're to believe that Brendan Fraser's toupee and face have aged a mere five years, but now he's got a 20 year-old son. And we're meant to believe that Rachel Weisz would turn down a paycheck for her dignity (unheard of in Hollywood). Replacing her as the pert and perky Evie O'Connell is the newest MILF in town, Maria Bello. I don't know which to fear more, her attempt at a British accent or the Freudian tension between she and her 'son', Luke Goss as young Alex O'Connell.

Regardless, the trailers suggest a rewind to 2001 with marginally improved CGI and every bit as painful dialog. Stephen Sommers has exited the series to a perfect project for him, the film adaptation of the 80s toy commercial, I mean animated babysitter, G.I. Joe. After the craptacular Van Helsing in 2004, directing a film about human toy soldiers spitting out groaners and blowing stuff actually makes sense. Nearly as perfect as pairing Michael Bay with transforming trucks.

Having not seen the third Mummy yet, should we judge this unnecessary film by the quality of its predecessor or look to the critics? With a 12% rotten rating at rottentomatoes.com, I think Universal would prefer we marvel at Jet Li, Michele Yeoh and a family triumvirate of attractive protagonists. And wait! They've thrown not one, not two but three Abominable Snowmen! Wait just a minute folks. Dammit. Did they just borrow the CGI werewolves from Van Helsing and bleach their fur?