As Hollywood celebutantes and celebutards innocently busied their afternoons with Rystalene and Botox injections, those Mumbai 'bombay-diers' plotted their attack. With a total of eight Oscars in its war chest, Slumdog Millionaire led the chai-fuelled charge to decimate Hollywood at a very vulnerable time. What with SAG strike anxiety rendering even the most vicious CAA agent sexually impotent, coupled with dwindling ratings for the Academy Awards, it was an insidious night of curry flavored ass-kickings. Despite a bevy of bronzed boobed bimbos, ratings were probably the lowest ever, proving that TV viewers prefer to watch Mike Rowe scrub outhouses on Discovery Channel's "Dirty Jobs" than submit to the bloated exercise of red carpet butt-sniffing and reach-arounds. Still, the show had its highlights:
Hugh Jackman - He shaved one beard and brought the other to the party. Now, now. No gay man would dare dry hump Frank Langella's leg with Brad Pitt a two feet away. The triple-threat Jackman may have seemed over-bronzed, but I think we'd all look like the Great Pumpkin next to the ghost of Anne Hathaway. Climbing atop Mt. Oscar and shouting "I'M WOLVERINE!" at the end of your song will keep you in the good graces of Comic Con booger-eaters at least until May. Nice work, Logan. Long live the Sexiest Man Alive!!
MUNG HOUR OSCAR OBSERVATIONS:
- Goldie Hawn – Sweet Jesus! There is a reason they keep the temperature under 50 degrees at Madame Tussaud’s.
- For those of you who never knew that Mrs. Partridge of the Partridge Family won an Oscar. Well, join the club.
- Proposition 8 is the new Iraq War. Rainbow colored ribbons on your lapels, duh, people.
- Daniel Craig looked a lot like James Bond in that tuxedo. Bizarre.
- Sarah Jessica Parker: you can take the horse out of the trailer but you - damn, screwed up another horse-face joke.
- The Duchess, a period film with powdered wigs and corsets won for Best Costume. Always nice when the Academy votes out of the box.
- Missed Joke Opportunity Winners - It's a toss-up between "Warren Beatty Button: The Story About a Man Aging Backwards" and "Any Mention of the Christian Bale Rant".
- Oscar-nominated songs are so much cooler when they have dread-locked musicians beating copper drums.
- Eddie Murphy - "I'd like to thank all of the members of the Razzies."
- Oscar Wall of Death was a visual clusterf*ck. Oh, and Paul Newman's shoes are gonna be tough to fill, Clooney. He's got salad dressing and spaghetti sauce. You've got what, Darfur? Get cracking.
- Ohhhhhh, Danny Booooooyle ... your Oscar's shiniiiiiiing ....
- Ms. Winslet, congratulations on your Oscar. You now have an obligation to honor those Best Actress winners before you by doing a retarded action movie that gets 13% RottenRating, then an over-budgeted period film based on children’s novels before sliding into an Oprah Winfrey produced tele-movie.
- The camera did NOT show us Mickey Rourke’s reaction to Sean Penn’s win, so we cannot fully verify if he has indeed won the Nick Nolte "You-Stole-My-F*cking-Oscar” Award. We think he won, but because Penn sucker-punched him with a speech-closing compliment, we cannot verify the win.
OSCAR 2009 GALLERY
