Far and across America, there are dried-out Christmas trees, exhausted from slurping up stale water in their bases and supporting the weight of tired family ornaments. Underneath these trees are opened boxes containing Kirkland sweaters three sizes too large for the wearer, books and board games eager and willing to lap up the dust they'll collect under coffee tables or in closets, and of course, DVD collections destined never to be unwrapped, let alone watched. I mean really, did we ASK for The Hitchcock Collection (not the good ones from Universal - the boring ones from Warner Brothers) or It's A Wonderful Life: 2-Disc Set (full-screen, no less)?
Santa has a funny way of bringing the average person tons of crap they did not ask for but cannot be re-gifted. I mean, how does one re-gift "Scategories" without looking like a re-gifting a-hole? And let us not forget the 25lbs of Russell Stover chocolates sitting under that poor tree along with the gift baskets stocked with enough palm oil and corn syrup enriched snacks to keep the Energizer Bunny pounding away for decades. In fact, the annual census of diabetics in the U.S. has to spike this time each year simply due to the folks at Harry & David alone. Between the Moose Munch popcorn (does a moose even eat chocolate?), the white chocolate truffles and lemon shortbread, it's no surprise that gym memberships skyrocket come January 2nd.
Christmas is about giving. It is also about problem-solving. Like how to solve the problem of $300 worth of crappy gifts that even the Disabled Veterans would laugh at should you attempt stuffing it all into a yellow collection bag. It's safe to say that most people love their stepmothers. In the vein of charity and good will, would it be too harsh to explain to her that it's sometimes better not to receive anything than to know that she poured through the aisle tables at Bed, Bath & Beyond for that 5-in-1 flashlight with your name on it? I personally have enough travel grooming kits, sheepskin steering wheel covers, fondue sets, bartending books and silicone potholders to last ten lifetimes.
Please Santa and Santa's Little Helpers, next year let's all shoot for gift cards or maybe that nice bottle of booze. Anything by Ketel One will do (sorry to pull the snob card, but Smirnoff merits a re-gift). And for the love of the little baby Jesus, let's not let all those useless presents linger under that poor, fire-trap of a Christmas tree. It's suffered enough this month.
