Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

(By special Mung Hour guest contributorm Double-S)

Last night, it hit me. They just don't make them like they used to. I know, I know. Old guys often look back at the films of their youth and decry that the new stuff is bat guano. No argument here. When I was a kid, my Dad just could not understand how why I thought Hopalong Cassidy sucked.

Today, my son simply cannot understand why I think Wanted blows. Folks, it's the goat from Narnia throwing curveballs out of a pistol. One, even if the once talented Doug Liman did create a suspension of disbelief strong enough to set aside simple physics, we still are left with a very nagging question: In 2008, with all the weapons at everyone's disposal, why is it helpful to burp a hanging slider out of a Glock 17?

It's dumb, but it doesn't know it's dumb. Since the film was based on a graphic novel, we're all supposed to buy it as art. Tell you what, if the 18-34 demographic wants to watch a four foot tall faun take orders from the former Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton, fine. I'll watch BELIEVABLE films, like Fire Down Below. This 1997 actioner featured the just barely pre-corpulent Steven Seagal as a gun toting, ass kicking EPA Agent sent to the back woods of Kentucky to bang Marg Helgenberger and beat the shit out of some now washed up country singers. Now THAT'S a movie.

What happened to the dumb action films where everyone knew they were dumb except the star? Make no mistake, when Jeb Stuart signed the checks to get Fire Down Below into production, he KNEW a movie about a gun toting ass kicking EPA agent was dumb, but WB owed Seagal two more films and this was better than a sequel to the one about the gun toting, ass kicking oil rig safety expert who couldn't figure out Joan Chen was Chinese, not Native American.

And I don't want to hear a Jason Statham rebuttal. All you have to do is watch the hot oil slap fight in the first Transporter and you know all you need to know about that guy's fan base.

Why can't we have dumb action films anymore? Yeah, Rambo 2008 was dumb, but that was mostly because of what the HGH did to the diameter of Stallone's cranium. Why can't someone get Dwayne Johnson to play a gun toting, ass kicking HUD agent who goes to the inner city to help a bunch of down trodden urban youth take back their neighborhood from a smarmy real estate developer played by Josh Charles?

A huge opportunity is about to be wasted this fall when Mark Wahlberg hits theatres as Max Payne. The movie is based on a video game no one has played since about 2003, but we're treating the movie as if it's not purposeful garbage. Like the character he played in Boogie Nights, Mr. Wahlberg seems blissfully unaware that his films are stupid. Though roughly 1/3 the size of Steven Seagal, Marky Mark seems age appropriately poised to take over the mantle abandoned when WB decided The Patriot should go DTV ten years ago.

Dumb action films that know they're dumb are CHEAP! Why spend $100M on Wanted, shelling out huge sums for Oscar winners to populate supporting roles? For $20M, you can throw a few bones at Sam Elliott and Jennifer Connelly, then let Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson play mismatched FCC agents on the trail of a potty mouth DJ who also operates a white slavery ring out of his Miami penthouse.