The Golden Globes received their lowest ratings ever, even lower than last year which was pretty much limited to Ryan Seacrest wearing headphones on the red carpet rattling off the list of winners. Not surprising since the average broke American is probably not in the mood to watch spoiled celebrities sashay down the red carpet in jewelry costlier than their houses. The only real rags-to-tiches moment was when Sally Hawkins won for Happy Go Lucky. The gauntlet she had to pass (from her table waaaaayyy in the back of the house) included tables with Pierce Brosnan, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise, Robert Downey, Jr, Brad Pitt, and Clint Eastwood. If she didn't pee herself when she heard her name called, she probably soiled her thong when the two Tom's stood up to shake her hand.
No offense to Mickey Rourke, but the GG's always emphasize the foreigners and the outcasts. Brokeback Mountain's 2006 snub could come back to haunt this year's Oscars, so Milk and Sean Penn might squeak in there. The Hollywood Foreign Press probably doesn't realize that Rourke pissed off a lot of Hollywood folks in his day, and his plastic surgery might frighten too many of his peers who wonder if they could end up looking like that with the wrong surgeon. But people do like comebacks, so we shouldn't count him out yet. It would be great if he got in a fight with someone on the red carpet. Maybe if we all pray together, Seacrest will insult Rourke's chihuahua on Oscar night!
- Actress whose cleavage we need to see more of: Salma Hayek
- Actresses whose cleavage normally don't raise the flag but were decently taped up: Elizabeth Banks & Beyonce
- Actresses who we had no idea who they were but would nail in a New York minute: Olivia Wilde & Jennifer Morrison from House
- Actress who satisfies our Michelle Pfeiffer fetish: Amanda Seyfried
- Actor who needs to keep the sunglasses and goatee to hide the damage: Mickey Rourke
- Actress who should wear sunglasses and a fake goatee to hide the damage: Lisa Rinni
- Actor who ditched the fright wig and finally got a decent set of hair grafts: Tom Hanks
- Gayest straight man on the red carpet: Mario Lopez
- Gay man on the red carpet who looked most like an older lesbian: fashion guru Steven Cojacaru
- Skinniest broad in the joint: Wow, too many to pick from, but if we have to, it's a toss-up between Cameron Diaz and Happy Go Lucky's Sally Hawkins. We need some group along the lines of PETA to step in. Maybe a group called "EATS" which stands for "Educating Appetites To Starlets". They ambush anorexic stars with hamburgers and fries.
- The Renee Zellwegger "I'm-Privately-A-Total-Whackjob" Award goes to Anne Hathaway
- "Still Can't Tell 'Em Apart" Award goes to Amy Adams and Isla Fisher
- Angie Dickinson "I-Was-F**ing-Sinatra-20-Minutes-Before-The-Show" Award goes to Drew Barrymore
- "Huckleberry Hound" Award goes to Maggie Gyllenhaal
- Chris Klein "Your-Career-Minutes-Are-Almost-Up" Award, for the person least likely to ever win an award goes to Ashton Kutcher
- "Head! Beer! Now!" Huge Cranium Award is an ironic toss-up between future Kirk, Chris Pine and future Spock, Zachary Quinto
- "It's-Not-1990-Time-For-Normal-Bangs-Haircut" Award goes to Johnny Depp
- We need a new award, something that echoes 1998's "Nick Nolte - Why did the Prancing WOP Take My Oscar" Award. Maybe something like "Baldwin-Shaloub-Laurie AGAIN?" Award. Definite winner of that last night would be Entourage's Kevin Connolly.
