Neal, Your Lungs, Please!

(By special Mung Hour contributing writer, Double-S)
The aforementioned passing of dear Mr. Goulet leads one to believe we must break new ground with respect to preserving our most beloved celebrities. Why should a charismatic, talented, and otherwise youthful singing legend be allowed to expire on an organ donor waiting list when irritating hacks swathed in satin continue to draw breath on this earth?

This is why all legitimate entertainers' unions must immediately draft and ratify The Compulsory Celebrity Organ Donor Initiative. To gain acceptance into a performers' guild, less talented and more annoying celebrities must agree to forfeit major organs should a bigger star need them to survive. Had this plan been in effect last week, Mr. Goulet would still be with us.

Assuming all necessary donor compatibility issues could be worked out, at the moment Mr. Goulet was diagnosed as requiring a transplant, The CCODI could have leapt into action and saved Camelot's favorite knight. Neal Sedaka, for example, should have been dragged from the stage of whatever trailer park or Indian Casino he was playing and immediately interned into the primary CCODI protocol. Since Mr. Goulet required lungs, Mr. Sedaka's chances for surviving the procedure would've been remote at best. Though I'm sure family members and fans of Laughter in the Rain may have protested, the rest of us surely would've rejoiced at the recovery of Robert Goulet.

Please be aware that in cases like this, the Sacrificial Celebrity would be provided as pleasant an expiration process as possible. Think Edward G. Robinson at the end of Soylent Green. The more annoying personalities, like Carrot Top, would probably not warrant such merciful treatment and simply be clubbed over the head like a baby seal.

The urgency here cannot be ignored. Many great actors, singers, and artists are at risk from old age, unfiltered cigarettes, binge drinking, and risky sexual practices. We need to implement this program and identify matching donors for the most important on the list. Potential donors should include:

• Kirk Cameron's liver to George Clooney.
• Dane Cook's lungs to Denis Leary.
• The last twelve inches of Willie Aames's colon (including sphincter muscle) to Charlie Sheen.
• Ashton Kucher's body parts should be available a la carte to Clint Eastwood on an as needed basis. Mr. Moore can be kept alive like that little child molester guy in Se7en.

The concept is simple. If useless pustules like Britney Spears want to continue 'making music', then she has to be ready to make the ultimate sacrifice if Pink loses her sight in a freak Pinesol/Fireworks accident. Paris Hilton needs to be on call 24/7 in case Shakira needs a kidney... or two. Sooner or later the booze and pills will catch up with Paula Abdul and Sanjaya better be ready to answer the call.

A celebrity worshipping country such as ours doesn't have a moment to lose. Ratify CCODI, find Kirk Cameron and shove a GPRS device up his poop chute before Clooney and DeVito head for the martini bar at Koi one too many times.