How to Apply Your Remake-Up

Break out the Suave mousse and Brut cologne, folks. We have two competing Knight Rider projects going head-to-head for the title of America’s Least Needed Project. Either studio execs are unfazed by David Hasselhoff’s recent liver violations or feel the press around the Hoff’s boozing helps keep the project on the front burner. In any case, the original show’s producer, Glen A. Larson, has a feature film in development while NBC Universal is looking to revamp the concept for a new television show. Personally, I think Michael Knight and his talking Trans Am should only ever exist again as thirty seconds of parody on Cartoon Network’s Robot Chicken.

But before I throw on my rubber Gene Siskel Halloween mask and bitch in the mirror about remakes, I need to face facts. Remakes, particularly from TV shows are here, baby. End of story. I guess I should call up Alec Baldwin and ask if he needs a roommate when he moves to Europe (Alec, it’s been 7 years now since Dubya won, let’s get chopping on that flight.)

Following the success of Michael Bay’s Transformageddon, Hollywood is drooling to pee $150 million away on the next 22-minute toy commercial from the 1980s. Warner Brothers has optioned Thundercats under the direction of videogame helmer Jerry O’Flaherty, and G.I. Joe is due in theaters in 2009. I’m showing my age. My only memory of G.I. Joe was from babysitting kids shoveling Pop Tarts into their mouths while some guy in a blue helmet and a Kleenex on his face called himself the Cobra Commander. Lots of bullets flew and nobody got shot. It was kind of like The A-Team only without the charm of Mr. T.

Note to film students: you will get kicked in the teeth by your NYU professor if you use “without the charm of Mr. T” in a sentence.

Look, I can at least understand the despera--- I mean, motivation from the studios. The target blockbuster demo is men ages 18-34. You take these cartoons from their childhoods and make them look both modern and retro with lots of CGI, and you’ve got a pre-sold franchise. In a Gordon Gecko world of logic, it does make sense. More baffling are the remakes of movies that are not that old or oddly enough, went to the stage. Footloose, anyone? If ever there was a case for cinematic Downs Syndrome, this has to be it. The original 1984 Kevin Bacon movie was and remains painful to watch by most males on the planet and the only reason females resonate with it now was their infatuation with Kevin Bacon’s dance double and a few acid-washed tunes from Kenny Loggins and Deniece Williams. I honestly think I would rather pick the peanuts out of sewage treatment tanks than have to listen to “Let’s Hear it For the Boy.”

Footloose: The Musical made it to Broadway for about ten minutes in a 'modern' re-telling of the triumphant tragedy of a town without dance. Honestly, dancing is a bit overrated. They should have at least done something original with the upcoming remake and center the drama on what resonates with today's youth. Call it Oral Sex Loose! Have big dance numbers where the teens gather to get drunk and go down on each other. Now THAT would be fodder for a good John Lithgow speech.

Also on the docket are remakes of awful films that still agitate people over their desecration. Friday the 13th is targeted for another ‘re-imagining’. I guess Rob Zombie’s Halloween must have put enough asses in the seat to justify them taking a stab (yuk) at the first Jason Voorhees romp. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t the killer in the first Friday the 13th movie Jason’s mother, looking a lot like my mom’s bridge partner Carol Whitney, circa 1978? This film itself was essentially a gory rehash of John Carpenter’s Halloween, and its sequels got worse and worse as the years went on, kind of like casts of Saturday Night Live.

At this point, I wash my hands of the whole trend. With the Writers Guild strike looming in a few weeks, putting thousands of industry folk out of work, I suppose there is some pathetic logic behind the studio stockpiling of pre-sold and hell, pre-written franchises. They assume we’d rather watch a remake of a mediocre Kevin Bacon movie. Actually, two. Did NO ONE notice that I looped two Bacon movies into the same article? (Hint: Mrs. Voorhees served his neck up as birthday cake.) Let’s hear it for the boy.