Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

(By special Mung Hour guest contributorm Double-S)

Last night, it hit me. They just don't make them like they used to. I know, I know. Old guys often look back at the films of their youth and decry that the new stuff is bat guano. No argument here. When I was a kid, my Dad just could not understand how why I thought Hopalong Cassidy sucked.

Today, my son simply cannot understand why I think Wanted blows. Folks, it's the goat from Narnia throwing curveballs out of a pistol. One, even if the once talented Doug Liman did create a suspension of disbelief strong enough to set aside simple physics, we still are left with a very nagging question: In 2008, with all the weapons at everyone's disposal, why is it helpful to burp a hanging slider out of a Glock 17?

It's dumb, but it doesn't know it's dumb. Since the film was based on a graphic novel, we're all supposed to buy it as art. Tell you what, if the 18-34 demographic wants to watch a four foot tall faun take orders from the former Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton, fine. I'll watch BELIEVABLE films, like Fire Down Below. This 1997 actioner featured the just barely pre-corpulent Steven Seagal as a gun toting, ass kicking EPA Agent sent to the back woods of Kentucky to bang Marg Helgenberger and beat the shit out of some now washed up country singers. Now THAT'S a movie.

What happened to the dumb action films where everyone knew they were dumb except the star? Make no mistake, when Jeb Stuart signed the checks to get Fire Down Below into production, he KNEW a movie about a gun toting ass kicking EPA agent was dumb, but WB owed Seagal two more films and this was better than a sequel to the one about the gun toting, ass kicking oil rig safety expert who couldn't figure out Joan Chen was Chinese, not Native American.

And I don't want to hear a Jason Statham rebuttal. All you have to do is watch the hot oil slap fight in the first Transporter and you know all you need to know about that guy's fan base.

Why can't we have dumb action films anymore? Yeah, Rambo 2008 was dumb, but that was mostly because of what the HGH did to the diameter of Stallone's cranium. Why can't someone get Dwayne Johnson to play a gun toting, ass kicking HUD agent who goes to the inner city to help a bunch of down trodden urban youth take back their neighborhood from a smarmy real estate developer played by Josh Charles?

A huge opportunity is about to be wasted this fall when Mark Wahlberg hits theatres as Max Payne. The movie is based on a video game no one has played since about 2003, but we're treating the movie as if it's not purposeful garbage. Like the character he played in Boogie Nights, Mr. Wahlberg seems blissfully unaware that his films are stupid. Though roughly 1/3 the size of Steven Seagal, Marky Mark seems age appropriately poised to take over the mantle abandoned when WB decided The Patriot should go DTV ten years ago.

Dumb action films that know they're dumb are CHEAP! Why spend $100M on Wanted, shelling out huge sums for Oscar winners to populate supporting roles? For $20M, you can throw a few bones at Sam Elliott and Jennifer Connelly, then let Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson play mismatched FCC agents on the trail of a potty mouth DJ who also operates a white slavery ring out of his Miami penthouse.

Putting a Period on the Period

Question of the day: who the hell is watching these period films? They are everywhere, yet does anyone pay to see them besides theater students and that chunky, closeted coworker who likes to give shoulder massages? Toss in a few single British thirty-somethings who actually think James McAvoy is a hunk, and that's about it.

Twenty years ago, a film like Dangerous Liaisons not only nabbed some Oscar nominations but even enjoyed an audience. Maybe it's because they were few and far between. For every Merchant Ivory film where Emma Thompson or Helena Bonham Carter sucked in their tummies for the corseted dress and Hugh Grant stammered in Edwardian attire, there are dozens of more recent films that come and go like the wind. And they all seem to star Keira Knightly. Perhaps her deal with the Devil for the Pirates franchise meant a lifetime of wearing bodices and doublets. Similarly, Orlando Bloom has done one film without a sword at his side, and it was one of Cameron Crowe's largest bombs.

When The Duchess comes out next month, ask anyone around you if they plan on seeing it and listen to the crickets. It's a foregone conclusion that a hunky actor seeks to pad his resume with period fare in an attempt at depth and range. Heath Ledger in Casanova comes to mind . Or the ditzy actress looking for credibility. Think Scarlett Johanns0n in The Other Boleyn Girl and The Prestige (at least the latter had Batman vs. Wolverine). One can't help but wonder what goes through a studio exec's mind when they say aloud, "Yeah, that fang-toothed bimbo from Spider-Man? Let's cast her as Marie Antoinette!"

Period films can be a terrific ride through history and great escapism if done with intrigue, style and a flare for the naughty. If we pay to sit through an entire film with Scarlett Johannson bursting out of her corset, can we please SEE HER BURST? R-ratings, folks. And how about some good ol' gore? Remember when Liam Neeson literally cut Tim Roth in half with his broadsword in Rob Roy? Now we're talking!

Nothing wrong with period films, but the recent past seems to be a lot cooler, particularly in the mid 20th century. May we humbly request a bit more L.A. Confidential and a little less Wuthering Heights?

That Summer That Almost Was: 2008 Movie Wrap-Up

(by Mung Hour guest contributor, Double-S)
We're pretty officially one film away from the unofficial end of 2008's Summer Movie Crop. Though Death Race and even Babylon AD's producers may take umbrage, this thing ends with Tropic Thunder as it's the last wide release with any real shot of making big bank. Actually, I take that back. I have no idea what to expect out of Clone Wars. Could not even venture a guess as to what that thing will earn opening weekend. (The Mung Hour ventures a guess - $17M based on tots who don't mind baby Jabba the Hutt who poops and farts.)

I've got to say this has been about the best summer in some time. A new super hero was introduced and an old one enjoyed his finest hour. An AARP eligible action hero from our youth returned to not embarrass himself commercially or artistically. Two cartoons hit it out of the park. Several bits of counter-programming exceeded expectations. R-rated comedy returned with a bang.

There were at least two bona fide sleepers with Journey To The Center of the Earth and What Happens in Vegas. Hancock was the quietest $200M+ earner I can remember. There were quite a few break evens that will surely go green when they hit ancillary markets. Hulk, Get Smart, Hellboy, and Zohan come to mind.

Unless Tropic Thunder dies, there were very few true bombs. Speed Racer will be the summer's champion no matter what happens from this point on. Some may want to put X-Files up on that pedestal, but if the budget really only was $25M, then it's probably got a better chance of lining pockets on DVD than several of the above noted middle tier films. SR was just a dump in the pants of both the studio and the creators. Way too much money. Way too much gayness.

Narnia may have successfully ended that franchise, because that one pretty much needed $200M to warrant another installment. It's like Superman or Hulk. Once the pooch is screwed, do you really try again?

Love Guru has effectively ended the tier one career of Mike Myers, though he may live on as some sort of shape shifting character actor. To the best of my knowledge, he's only appeared on screen once not masked by some sort of character persona and that was in Axe Murderer. He's used props for virtually everything else and even did so in his serious turns, such as 54.

Overall, I think we'll be looking back with longing come 2009. Unless some amazing shit gets rushed into production, we could be screwed. Then again, it does sound like that's happening. Tarantino is moving fast with Inglorious Bastards. Variety announced Pitt was in for the lead and that QT wants to be done by Cannes next year. Ballsy, but if he's been planning it for five years, there's a chance he can make it happen quick.

Quantum of Solace (or, Suantum of Qualace if you've heard the new song) and some other 'serious' fare is about all we have left to look forward too. The poster for Righteous Kill seems more like an ad for a laxative. At some point, both Pacino and DeNiro have to accept that they're way closer to seventy than fifty.

Max Payne? House of Lies? State of Play? The Spirit? Day the Earth Stood Still.

Oh, and after seeing the preview, let me be the first to predict the end of Jim Carrey in Yes Man. Looks bad bad bad. And he's finally aged to the point where he looks his age and having Zooey Deschanel as his female lead is borderline creepy. I'm sure he'll make a mint on Christmas Carol in 2009, but the zany urban comedy is oh so over for him.

So, there you have it.

Do We Still Want Our Mummy?

1999 was a pretty big year at the movies, bigger still for visual FX houses. April gave us a double punch of The Matrix and The Mummy, both groundbreaking films in their use of CGI and balls-out action A month later, we were forced to endure Episode I: The Phantom Menace. While wishing the pox upon George Luca$ for the intolerable He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Mentioned Binks shoved down our throats, most people would agree that the FX of the pod race and the space scenes were top notch. Now can we go back and digitally erase young Anakin from the entire movie?

Out of all the blockbusters of '99, Stephen Sommers' The Mummy was arguably the best date movie. Derided for its overuse of CGI, implausible action sequences, wretched dialog and cardboard characters, it was very successful and launched the careers of Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz onto the A-list. It was a fairly pioneering film that blended modern technology with the Raiders-esque style of action and setting and threw in a dash of 1930s classic horror.

2001's The Mummy Returns worked really hard to weave in an absurdly convenient storyline for its protagonists and introduce us to the Rock, but it relied too much on CGI and too little on any real weight of story. Basically, the Mummy comes back and there's a bunch of fighting leading up to one of the weakest CGI character since "E.T. the Extra Terrestrial" video game for the Atari 2600. We're talking about that absurd Scorpion King monster with the Rock's digital face glued to it. Horrible. And it committed one of the bigger TV/Film sins, introducing a young kid, aka the 'Cousin Oliver' for all you Brady Bunch fans.

So this weekend, we've got The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Much Needed Universal Tentpole. We're to believe that Brendan Fraser's toupee and face have aged a mere five years, but now he's got a 20 year-old son. And we're meant to believe that Rachel Weisz would turn down a paycheck for her dignity (unheard of in Hollywood). Replacing her as the pert and perky Evie O'Connell is the newest MILF in town, Maria Bello. I don't know which to fear more, her attempt at a British accent or the Freudian tension between she and her 'son', Luke Goss as young Alex O'Connell.

Regardless, the trailers suggest a rewind to 2001 with marginally improved CGI and every bit as painful dialog. Stephen Sommers has exited the series to a perfect project for him, the film adaptation of the 80s toy commercial, I mean animated babysitter, G.I. Joe. After the craptacular Van Helsing in 2004, directing a film about human toy soldiers spitting out groaners and blowing stuff actually makes sense. Nearly as perfect as pairing Michael Bay with transforming trucks.

Having not seen the third Mummy yet, should we judge this unnecessary film by the quality of its predecessor or look to the critics? With a 12% rotten rating at rottentomatoes.com, I think Universal would prefer we marvel at Jet Li, Michele Yeoh and a family triumvirate of attractive protagonists. And wait! They've thrown not one, not two but three Abominable Snowmen! Wait just a minute folks. Dammit. Did they just borrow the CGI werewolves from Van Helsing and bleach their fur?

Movie Art 101: What Were They Thinking?

Yes, the woman in this poster looks a bit like Serena, Samantha Stephens evil cousin on Bewitched. Sorry gents, but that is a dude. Her metallic genitalia is an outie not an innie. Moreover, it is hard to tell if that's Eric Bana in the fedora or Corey Feldman. Ah, the wonders of poor Photoshop.

As we wait until November 7th for the latest 007 movie to save us from feel-good holiday fare, we can savor the artistry the Bond franchise continues to spawn on home video. This 2003 musical comedy from Thailand truly embraces the spy genre head-on and with lots of flowers. If you saw this on the Blockbuster Video shelves, you might be tempted to report it to management as a fringe of their "We will not sell pornographic movies - unless somehow it's decided we can" morality clause.

This artwork shows us that a title is everything. Now in all fairness, if you swapped out the artwork of this film with Morris the cat, it could look like the feline version of Inspector Gadget. This must be a fairly boring movie with what is apparently one adventure.

Major criticism: Too much fucia.

The Fly: The Opera - Stay For the Shotgun-to-the-Head Song

Arguably this week's most bizarre entertainment story, director David Cronenberg has taken his 1986 heartwarming tale of a mulleted scientist who splices his DNA with a housefly and morphs into a horny, limb-dissolving insectoid-erectus who enjoys nailing hookers and breaking the arms of bikers and turned it into a 75-piece orchestral masterpiece. Fronted by tenor Placido Domingo, the musical interpretation premiered this week in Paris, home of such little-known operas like La Boheme, La Traviata and Faust.

Move over Mozart and Puccini, the opera about the half-fly man who barfs up his saliva to disintegrate the ankles and hands of his rivals will be the show everyone talks about for centuries to come.

First Rule: You Do Not Talk about Hulk Club

Box office predictions for the weekend. Hmmmm, I'd say that The Incredible Fight Club will smash M. Night Shyamalan's What's Happenin'! Wait, The Mung Hour can cough up a better parody title than Incredible Fight Club. Here are some options:

The Green Transporter
Incredible History X
Supergreen
I Am Hulk's Raging Bile Duct

$55 million is a good bet for the Hulk. It has enough buzz going for it, but Hulk's big balls won't hang as impressively as Iron Man's or Indy's. This summer has shown us that a true blockbuster must include the ladies in attendance. Sex In the City notwithstanding, the reason that Iron Man debuted so large and hung on so long was the date factor. The fanboys were able to shore up dates. Dates that actually wanted to see this movie. No offense to Eddie Norton, but the girls don't wet their panties for him the way they do for Robert Downey Jr. and Terrence Howard slurping Grey Goose shots off strippers' tits on a private plane. Plus Kung Fu Panda holdovers will bite into it. Still, it should trounce M. Night's latest thrillbag. His film should tank in around $23 million. Monday morning, Michael Bay's Night Platinum Dunes office should be getting a humble phone call from him begging to direct the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street.