Anthony Hopkins's New Gig: Harassing Customers

Residuals for Howard's End and The Edge are apparently trickling down to a few dollars a week, judging by Anthony Hopkins latest acting assignment. With no more Thomas Harris novels in the pipe, Hopkins has taken his signature and alimony-worthy role to its next logical step, showcasing himself outside of seasonal retail stores.

"It's been great having Tony-- I mean, Mr. Hopkins here," exclaimed Burbank Spirit Halloween Store manager Bobby Schaffer. "I'm not sure if I'd necessarily call myself a fan, but I really liked his mo-cap work in Beowulf."

After feeding a Diet Coke and a straw into the Oscar-winning actor's mouth, Schaffer went on to say, "It's been great for business. People come here - well, mainly soccer moms looking for cute peapod outfits for their newborns and young f-towels seeking slutty Dorothy costumes, and then they see Hannibal eff'ing Lector. I mean, that's a shopping experience you'll remember."

When asked to comment about his latest work, Hopkins would only repeat, "I'm having an old friend for dinner."

Quint Goes Down With the ORCA

Douchebag Song

This song is dedicated to Dane Cook, Kid Rock and Jeremy Piven. With love ...

Yoda HATES Clones!

You know, I recall Yoda babbling something to Luke about using the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack - blah-blah-blah.

This does not look like a defensive pose. And a clone trooper going up against a Jedi Master is like a Devry drop-out going up against the editor of the Harvard Review. Not cool, Master Yoda. Not ... cool.

It's Not the 4th, But a Brief Essay on Fourths Anyway

(Special Contributing Mung Hour Writer - Double-S)
Four of anything is probably too many. My thoughts on some we've seen and some we will/might see...

• Dirty Harry 4 - Paced quicker than the first three, this one had less dramatic 'impact', but was a crowd pleaser. I loved it to death, but was sixteen, so I get a pass.
• Die Hard 4 - It barely worked. Huge assist from Justin Long.
• Lethal Weapon 4 - Excrement. A series of bad SNL skits with guns.
• Indy 4 - Fun in the theatre on first viewing, but really wasn't very good.
• Terminator 4 - Doesn't really count. 4th installment in name only.
• Rocky IV - Excrement of the highest order. Not even really a film. It's the last five minutes of the third film, a James Brown video, several montages, and two protracted boxing matches. If memory serves, there were only two scenes where people actually spoke with each other.
• Rambo IV - Two words: Li'l Smokies. Talkin' about your hands, Sly. Lay off the rBGH.
  
• Superman IV - I'm not going to pick on a dead quad, but it was bad even by 1989 standards.
• Batman & Robin - Makes Rocky IV look like Richard III.
• Spidey IV - To me, they'd be better off waiting another couple of years, then re-casting Parker with an older actor and doing a trilogy with him. Tobey will look like a moppet when he's fifty. Squeezing out a 4th one five years after the third seems like a bad play, especially if they've still got him sputtering around NY on that fucking mo-ped.
• Pirates IV - This is a unique franchise in that it requires only two things: The movie business mind of Jerrry Bruckheimer and the acting talents of Johnny Depp. Absolutely no one else needs to return for this to be successful. I would, in fact, suggest that the best thing they could do is punt every one save for a few of the supporting players. Geoffrey Rush would be a nice add, but they could do it without him. In fact, for me, this one is only interesting if they wait awhile and come back with a whole new creative team. Depp could revisit this one well into his sixties.

I know this isn't a 4th, but I keep hearing about it...

Rambo V - Please, God, no.

Movie Art 101: What Were They Thinking?

This little gem from 1975 illustrates the best fashion accessory for a man in a wool, plaid sport jacket: a spear and flop sweat. This poster wants to communicate a lot of things and in red hues. First, it wants us to know who Joe Don Baker "IS", so if you happen to run into Mr. Baker while standing in line at the Home Depot, you will know to address him as "Mitchell". What is not known is whether he is "Mr. Mitchell" or just "Mitchell." Since he will probably be very hot and bothered in that wool plaid sport jacket and is carrying a spear, I wouldn't recommend aggravating him with anything other than "Mitchell" or "sir."

Linda Evans is his co-star in this movie, but it's hard to tell if that's her up above sunbathing next to a miniature Mitchell and toy cars and helicopters. Ah, sorry for the mistake. Forced perspective. Got it. Also visible is some sort of assassin carrying what looks to be a machine gun and apparently having either a heart attack, seizure or about to sneeze. Maybe he's getting shot in the back as well. Regardless, the bottom line here is that Mitchell is "brute force with a badge". Well, they're wrong. He's brute force with a spear. I'm guessing if Mitchell is indeed a law enforcement officer, going about his daily activities with a spear might prove cumbersome. Where do you put the spear when you're standing at the urinal in the office men's room? I'm sure there is a lot of potential for hilarity and embarrassment for Mitchell as he's juggling his food tray and that spear in the commissary.

Perhaps Mitchell's rather anguished expression depicted here is the final moment between he and his awkward implement where he's basically saying, "I hate this thing! I'm chucking it for good!"

It's Been A Year Since George, Steve and Harrison Took Your Money

It's been a year and we've crawled out from under our Indiana Jones hangover. Yes, it's taken that long for me to look back and realize that we had waited 19 years for a fourth film and what George Luca$ gave us was a trip down his bank account. I still can't recall what the film was about other than some alien's punch bowl head, which to be fair, is given away in the damn title. What did I learn from Indy IV? It's been a year now, so the memory of that film is as fuzzy as Calista Flockhart's age. Oh yeah, I learned that the Russians make adequate Nazis provided you show a large jarhead Russian beating an elderly adventurer senseless, that a person can only survive a one-mile drop kick inside of a refrigerator if the source of the concussion is a hydrogen bomb, that dropping 300 feet down three waterfalls gives you a bump on the head and the giggles. Oh yeah, and Shia LeBeouf got popped for being stoned outside a CVS somewhere in the U.S. Wait, was that in the movie? I can't remember.
Speaking of Shia, aka The Luckiest Fucking Kid On the Planet Earth, he survived last summer's green screen embarrassment, getting his balls handed to him by Kate Blanchett's sword just fine. He's back later this month, dry-humping Megan Fox up against his pet robot car again. Something tells me the hangover from Michael Bay's latest Transforming trip down the Hasbro aisle at Target will be longer than a year. Check back in June 2010. Too bad Megan Fox wasn't in Indy IV last year. She could have cameo'd as one of Professor Jones' love-struck students who has the words, "Suck You Off" tattoo'd to her eyelids.