Yoda HATES Clones!

You know, I recall Yoda babbling something to Luke about using the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack - blah-blah-blah.

This does not look like a defensive pose. And a clone trooper going up against a Jedi Master is like a Devry drop-out going up against the editor of the Harvard Review. Not cool, Master Yoda. Not ... cool.

It's Not the 4th, But a Brief Essay on Fourths Anyway

(Special Contributing Mung Hour Writer - Double-S)
Four of anything is probably too many. My thoughts on some we've seen and some we will/might see...

• Dirty Harry 4 - Paced quicker than the first three, this one had less dramatic 'impact', but was a crowd pleaser. I loved it to death, but was sixteen, so I get a pass.
• Die Hard 4 - It barely worked. Huge assist from Justin Long.
• Lethal Weapon 4 - Excrement. A series of bad SNL skits with guns.
• Indy 4 - Fun in the theatre on first viewing, but really wasn't very good.
• Terminator 4 - Doesn't really count. 4th installment in name only.
• Rocky IV - Excrement of the highest order. Not even really a film. It's the last five minutes of the third film, a James Brown video, several montages, and two protracted boxing matches. If memory serves, there were only two scenes where people actually spoke with each other.
• Rambo IV - Two words: Li'l Smokies. Talkin' about your hands, Sly. Lay off the rBGH.
  
• Superman IV - I'm not going to pick on a dead quad, but it was bad even by 1989 standards.
• Batman & Robin - Makes Rocky IV look like Richard III.
• Spidey IV - To me, they'd be better off waiting another couple of years, then re-casting Parker with an older actor and doing a trilogy with him. Tobey will look like a moppet when he's fifty. Squeezing out a 4th one five years after the third seems like a bad play, especially if they've still got him sputtering around NY on that fucking mo-ped.
• Pirates IV - This is a unique franchise in that it requires only two things: The movie business mind of Jerrry Bruckheimer and the acting talents of Johnny Depp. Absolutely no one else needs to return for this to be successful. I would, in fact, suggest that the best thing they could do is punt every one save for a few of the supporting players. Geoffrey Rush would be a nice add, but they could do it without him. In fact, for me, this one is only interesting if they wait awhile and come back with a whole new creative team. Depp could revisit this one well into his sixties.

I know this isn't a 4th, but I keep hearing about it...

Rambo V - Please, God, no.

Movie Art 101: What Were They Thinking?

This little gem from 1975 illustrates the best fashion accessory for a man in a wool, plaid sport jacket: a spear and flop sweat. This poster wants to communicate a lot of things and in red hues. First, it wants us to know who Joe Don Baker "IS", so if you happen to run into Mr. Baker while standing in line at the Home Depot, you will know to address him as "Mitchell". What is not known is whether he is "Mr. Mitchell" or just "Mitchell." Since he will probably be very hot and bothered in that wool plaid sport jacket and is carrying a spear, I wouldn't recommend aggravating him with anything other than "Mitchell" or "sir."

Linda Evans is his co-star in this movie, but it's hard to tell if that's her up above sunbathing next to a miniature Mitchell and toy cars and helicopters. Ah, sorry for the mistake. Forced perspective. Got it. Also visible is some sort of assassin carrying what looks to be a machine gun and apparently having either a heart attack, seizure or about to sneeze. Maybe he's getting shot in the back as well. Regardless, the bottom line here is that Mitchell is "brute force with a badge". Well, they're wrong. He's brute force with a spear. I'm guessing if Mitchell is indeed a law enforcement officer, going about his daily activities with a spear might prove cumbersome. Where do you put the spear when you're standing at the urinal in the office men's room? I'm sure there is a lot of potential for hilarity and embarrassment for Mitchell as he's juggling his food tray and that spear in the commissary.

Perhaps Mitchell's rather anguished expression depicted here is the final moment between he and his awkward implement where he's basically saying, "I hate this thing! I'm chucking it for good!"

It's Been A Year Since George, Steve and Harrison Took Your Money

It's been a year and we've crawled out from under our Indiana Jones hangover. Yes, it's taken that long for me to look back and realize that we had waited 19 years for a fourth film and what George Luca$ gave us was a trip down his bank account. I still can't recall what the film was about other than some alien's punch bowl head, which to be fair, is given away in the damn title. What did I learn from Indy IV? It's been a year now, so the memory of that film is as fuzzy as Calista Flockhart's age. Oh yeah, I learned that the Russians make adequate Nazis provided you show a large jarhead Russian beating an elderly adventurer senseless, that a person can only survive a one-mile drop kick inside of a refrigerator if the source of the concussion is a hydrogen bomb, that dropping 300 feet down three waterfalls gives you a bump on the head and the giggles. Oh yeah, and Shia LeBeouf got popped for being stoned outside a CVS somewhere in the U.S. Wait, was that in the movie? I can't remember.
Speaking of Shia, aka The Luckiest Fucking Kid On the Planet Earth, he survived last summer's green screen embarrassment, getting his balls handed to him by Kate Blanchett's sword just fine. He's back later this month, dry-humping Megan Fox up against his pet robot car again. Something tells me the hangover from Michael Bay's latest Transforming trip down the Hasbro aisle at Target will be longer than a year. Check back in June 2010. Too bad Megan Fox wasn't in Indy IV last year. She could have cameo'd as one of Professor Jones' love-struck students who has the words, "Suck You Off" tattoo'd to her eyelids.

Countdown to Star Trek

As we await the outcome of the latest Star Trek revamp, we're left to wonder if the new film will include Captain Kirk and his giant rock dildo.

This Just In! Dr. Jack Gets the Lester Burnham Treatment

In last night's Lost episode, "Namaste", Dr. Jack Shepherd is finally relieved of his stressful burdens as both surgeon and savior. Following his return alongside Kate, Hurly and Sayid to the island, circa 1977, Jack's former rival, James "La Fleur" Sawyer, has now arranged for him to spend his years free of hospital scrubs and iodine cleansing. Instead, he'll savor his new found freedom in a janitor's jumpsuit doing a different kind of scrubbing. Toilets. How's that for a responsibility free existence?

"You don't ever get to tell me what to do. Ever again."

In Defense of Dr. Jack Shepherd

Okay, let's just get it out there. Sawyer is the man. He's the shit. He's the stud. He's the tough, funny guy men hope to be and the hunk the girls want to end up with. Better, he's the bad boy who actually has the good guy ready to go on the fly. Best of all worlds. Last week's Lost episode, "La Fleur" showed us the laconic con man was a hippie at heart. Hippie by way of Han Solo.

It's easy for the audience to love the wise-cracking mercenary who can be morally ambivalent when it suits the moment. Much tougher to appreciate the guy who is always trying to do the right thing even at his own personal loss, like our poor, down-trodden and down-to-his-right-hand, Dr. Jack Shepherd.

Apologies to all for the brazen parallel between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker.

Whereas Jack pees all over his idyllic game of house with Kate and Aaron in a booze-soaked fit of jealousy, Sawyer romances Juliet, sticks to her side and becomes the perfect house hubby. But TV shows never follow logic. Throwing a bone at the Star Trek geeks by quoting Spock, "logic would dictate" that three years in a stable environment would forge a much more realistic and lasting bond between any two people. Much more than a few weeks in a cage-lockup where they hump on closed circuit TV. So of course, Sawyer's bond with Juliet is much more solid than it ever could have been with Kate. And in the future where Jack and Kate paired up following her acquittal, poor Jack was carrying the burden of the secret he had the balls to put forth to protect the others back on the island. Oh, and he did have his DEAD father showing up from time to time when he wasn't saving people's brains in surgery. What did Sawyer have to deal with while picking flowers for Juliet? Seventies jive talk from horny Dharma potheads and ketchup instead of salsa?

Will the writers ever circle back with Jack and Juliet? Juliet had romantic feelings for Jack even though it mainly stemmed from survival mode, the same mode that one could argue forged the Sawyer/Kate bond. However, Juliet did back off completely when she realized his heart was with Kate.

It would seem the writers have ruled out any Kate and Jack possibility since they had their shot after the Oceanic rescue, and Jack blew it. Coupled with the trauma of giving up Aaron, Jack will forever be tied to some pretty raw memories for Freckles. Too bad. It's not like she turned out to be his sister, so it really is too bad. And now it seems that he won't get Juliet either.

We must be the only folks in the room who not only feel for Jack Shepherd but also likes the character and want to stick with him. It's easy to root for the stubbly, wispy haired rogue who gets the best one-liners. Maybe the writers just need to give Jack a few more zingers. Then again, he's a brain doctor, Jim, not a comedian! Going into his apparent integration with the rest into the Dharma commune in the episodes to come, it looks like he's growing his hair out. Good start. It's easy for people to overlook him in favor of Sawyer, because he seems bland by comparison. And he lacks the asskicking, Boba Fett talents of Sayid. Nor the wise paternal, Obi Wan qualities of John Locke. And he's not the friendly Chewbacca like Hurly or the annoying but lovable C-3PO that Charlie was. Someone stop us before we call out poor Desmond as Admiral Ackbar. "It's a trap!"

Jack Shepherd is not the louse who makes good. He's the guy who makes good but louses it up. That's tragic and compelling. He seem like a whiner, but give the guy a break. He got people off the island the best way he could, and he manned up and took the heat for concocting the lie that they all agreed to, by the way. We at the Mung Hour completely empathize with his ire against Locke, because until you actually pull that time machine lever on me, we'd be just as skeptical. OF ALL OF IT.

Sure, he's not as funny and suave and interesting as Sawyer, but similar to Desmond, he's the guy who wants to please those he loves but gets smacked down by a father figure for his efforts. Jack's the guy who wants to help the people that end up turning on him on some level. He's the guy who demands proof not just faith. He's the guy who wants to get the girl but isn't roguish enough nor confident enough to enjoy it when its right there. He's the island's Bill Pullman. He's the guy that people count on when their needs come first, then shit on him the minute he makes a mistake.

Maybe he has a shot at redemption ... and getting laid. Maybe there's some hottie we haven't seen yet that he can make amends with, if it's not Kate. Or maybe not. Perhaps he'll just have to settle for watching Sawyer and Kate huddle around the fire celebrating with the Ewoks while he stares off at the ghostly specters of Christian Shepherd, John Locke and Ben Linus.