For those of you who stayed awake long enough to Windex the bronzer off your television screen left by Gwyneth Paltrow and Aaron Sorkin tonight, ABC aired a two and a half hour telethon for the American Stroke Association.No, we're not talking about Kirk Douglas' spot-on Bette Davis impression. Rather, tonight's awards show was an eye-bulging contest for how frustratingly badly paced, poorly written and lazily put together the Academy Awards could be, as expressed by the person sitting next to you on the couch bellowing, "I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW BAD THIS IS!". Everyone please have your blood pressure checked. No point was ever so poignantly illustrated as when Billy Crystal himself walked on stage to remind us all how well a show COULD be hosted. Sadly, his appearance was not a hand-off.
Next year, I nominate Charlie Sheen to host the Oscars. It will be memorable. (The Mung Hour just got handed a fine of $275 for the tired use of a Charlie Sheen joke. It's off-limits like Christopher Walken and Jack Nicholsen impressions.)
If you missed tonight's telecast, here are some highlights:
- Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis took one last swig of James Franco's bong water and came out onstage to marvel about how one cell in their fingernail is like one tiny little universe. Cue Donald Sutherland.
- Russell Brand and Helen Mirren reminded us of that big, fat dump they took on the hilarious 1982 film Arthur. Said defecation arriving this spring to a theater near you.
- Batman joined the dearly departed Joker with possession of a golden statue.
- ABC told us to watch 20/20. No, they told us they have the Oscars until the year 2020. The same number of people giving a fuck about this blog post give a fuck about ABC having the Oscars until 2020.
-Nicole Kidman got a call from Ken's lawyer asking for the playhouse, the Corvette and sole custody of Malibu Skipper.
- Two films with one-armed endings were nominated for Best Picture. Figured that out all by myself.
- Hugh Jackman got pwned by Anne Hathaway.
- Anne Hathaway got pwned by the fly that landed on my television screen.
- Sandra Bullock revealed she is Spock's sister and abruptly left for her Pon Farr ritual back on Vulcan.
- Annette Bening wins this year's "Nick Nolte & Burt Reynolds I Can't Believe I Eff'ing Lost Award" for feigning enthusiasm after losing to that trollop, Queen Amidala.
- Warren Beatty wins this year's "Warren Beatty Staring At Anyone But My Wife Award" for ogling the cans of the pregnant chick who beat out his wife.
- Kathy Griffin sang the Dido song from 127 Hours.
- Contrary to appearances, Hillary Swank was not there to talk about her inspiration, Secretariat.
- The guy who wrote "I Love L.A." defied Kodak Theater security and snuck in to win an Oscar for his tenth cover of "You've Got a Friend In Me".
- Reese Witherspoon ditched her boyfriend and brought her forehead as her date.
- Charlie Sheen did NOT make this year's Wall of Death and --- key-bo--rd -- ot workkkkking --- shouldn'tttt have -- done tirrred Sheen --joke. Apol - ogieeeeees.
No comments:
Post a Comment