Oscar Dress Changes - Hathaway: 5, Franco: 1

For those of you who stayed awake long enough to Windex the bronzer off your television screen left by Gwyneth Paltrow and Aaron Sorkin tonight, ABC aired a two and a half hour telethon for the American Stroke Association.

No, we're not talking about Kirk Douglas' spot-on Bette Davis impression. Rather, tonight's awards show was an eye-bulging contest for how frustratingly badly paced, poorly written and lazily put together the Academy Awards could be, as expressed by the person sitting next to you on the couch bellowing, "I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW BAD THIS IS!". Everyone please have your blood pressure checked. No point was ever so poignantly illustrated as when Billy Crystal himself walked on stage to remind us all how well a show COULD be hosted. Sadly, his appearance was not a hand-off.

Next year, I nominate Charlie Sheen to host the Oscars. It will be memorable. (The Mung Hour just got handed a fine of $275 for the tired use of a Charlie Sheen joke. It's off-limits like Christopher Walken and Jack Nicholsen impressions.)

If you missed tonight's telecast, here are some highlights:

- Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis took one last swig of James Franco's bong water and came out onstage to marvel about how one cell in their fingernail is like one tiny little universe. Cue Donald Sutherland.

- Russell Brand and Helen Mirren reminded us of that big, fat dump they took on the hilarious 1982 film Arthur. Said defecation arriving this spring to a theater near you.

- Batman joined the dearly departed Joker with possession of a golden statue.

- ABC told us to watch 20/20. No, they told us they have the Oscars until the year 2020. The same number of people giving a fuck about this blog post give a fuck about ABC having the Oscars until 2020.

-Nicole Kidman got a call from Ken's lawyer asking for the playhouse, the Corvette and sole custody of Malibu Skipper.

- Two films with one-armed endings were nominated for Best Picture. Figured that out all by myself.

- Hugh Jackman got pwned by Anne Hathaway.

- Anne Hathaway got pwned by the fly that landed on my television screen.

- Sandra Bullock revealed she is Spock's sister and abruptly left for her Pon Farr ritual back on Vulcan.

- Annette Bening wins this year's "Nick Nolte & Burt Reynolds I Can't Believe I Eff'ing Lost Award" for feigning enthusiasm after losing to that trollop, Queen Amidala.

- Warren Beatty wins this year's "Warren Beatty Staring At Anyone But My Wife Award" for ogling the cans of the pregnant chick who beat out his wife.

- Kathy Griffin sang the Dido song from 127 Hours.

- Contrary to appearances, Hillary Swank was not there to talk about her inspiration, Secretariat.

- The guy who wrote "I Love L.A." defied Kodak Theater security and snuck in to win an Oscar for his tenth cover of "You've Got a Friend In Me".

- Reese Witherspoon ditched her boyfriend and brought her forehead as her date.

- Charlie Sheen did NOT make this year's Wall of Death and --- key-bo--rd -- ot workkkkking --- shouldn'tttt have -- done tirrred Sheen --joke. Apol - ogieeeeees.

Why The Social Network Should Win Tonight But Won't

We all know that the Oscars haven't always been about merit. Many a film has been critically praised and financially successful yet still ignored by the Academy (The Dark Knight comes to mind). As we look back on nearly a century of Best Pictures, the first thing that comes to mind as to what an Oscar-winning film should be is relevant. Not necessarily relevant in the sense that people talk about it, although that helps, but the film should define the time in which it's set while examining the era in which it is made. Most importantly, it should reflect upon its targets. I can't think of a better example, in many years in fact, of a film that does just this than David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin's The Social Network.

Typically a 'relevant film' we agree on is about our country's wars - WWII, Vietnam or the Middle East (Platoon, Saving Private Ryan, Three Kings, The Hurt Locker). Or it will deals with the modern family (American Beauty, Mystic River). This year we finally had a film that stared into the face of an entire decade, illustrating the monster of technology and its fiendish conspirator, ambition and greed. At the same time, it presented us with a true film of the modern college experience and with only one vomit gag. More than that, it showed us the true fragility of friendship and the choices we make in life.

So why won't The Social Network win Best Picture? Well, obviously it's complicated by nine other films in the category. And it's not a safe film. It doesn't easily fit into a particular genre. Nobody dies, nobody goes to war, nobody dresses in period attire, nobody loses a child and most importantly, nobody overcomes a crippling disability. Every other year or more, there seems to be a need for the warm comfort of a crowd-pleasing historical film, replete with affable dialog, cozy scenes of non-fictional retrospect and of course, the touching performances of British thoroughbreds.

We're talking about The King's Speech. It has the vibe of Howard's End as well as The Queen which gave Helen Mirren her first Oscar, and it will be the same with Colin Firth. While no doubt deserving on every level, Firth (and perhaps Bonham-Carter and Rush) should be winners in this film. It is a thespian's film, but not a story-driven film. It's just not a film that we'll look back on as a defining film. It's Rocky with studdering. It's The Karate Kid with studdering. It's a feel-good movie, one where every beat hits its perfectly played-out note. You never doubt that the good Duke is going to triumph over his tongue-tied torment.

The Social Network, on the other hand, does not play to the grandeur of a world on the bring of war. It does not deal with the triumph of the human spirit, nor does it contain a single British character (just a few very talented young British actors). For those of you who keep score, Oscar loves it some Brits. Just ask Harvey Weinstein, who knows when to play the Union Jack card come campaign time in January.

What Fincher's film does is draw the curtain on the young 21st century mind and its unabashed pursuit of creating an idea that nobody else can touch. We can barely crack the surface of how the internet has changed modern society, let alone the impact Facebook has had on how we communicate and represent our daily lives to one another. This film explores our love affair with success, technology and Faustian complexity while still delivering grade-A entertainment. And in doing so, the film delivers 2010's finest dialog, cinematography, a rapturous modern score by Trent Reznnor and Atticus Ross, starmaking performances by fresh actors and a window into America when a few group of young minds changed the face of modern communication. These young upstarts did all of this under the noses of the wealthiest businesses and greatest educational institutions in the world. Shakespeare by way of Pinter and Mamet. In this case, Sorkin.

Decades from now, people will remember The Social Network as a generational film, the way they remember The Graduate, Midnight Cowboy, All the President's Men. (Sheer coincidence those three films all star Dustin Hoffman!) They will remember The King's Speech as the well-done Oscar winner of 2010.