Movie Art 101: What Were They Thinking?

This little gem from 1975 illustrates the best fashion accessory for a man in a wool, plaid sport jacket: a spear and flop sweat. This poster wants to communicate a lot of things and in red hues. First, it wants us to know who Joe Don Baker "IS", so if you happen to run into Mr. Baker while standing in line at the Home Depot, you will know to address him as "Mitchell". What is not known is whether he is "Mr. Mitchell" or just "Mitchell." Since he will probably be very hot and bothered in that wool plaid sport jacket and is carrying a spear, I wouldn't recommend aggravating him with anything other than "Mitchell" or "sir."

Linda Evans is his co-star in this movie, but it's hard to tell if that's her up above sunbathing next to a miniature Mitchell and toy cars and helicopters. Ah, sorry for the mistake. Forced perspective. Got it. Also visible is some sort of assassin carrying what looks to be a machine gun and apparently having either a heart attack, seizure or about to sneeze. Maybe he's getting shot in the back as well. Regardless, the bottom line here is that Mitchell is "brute force with a badge". Well, they're wrong. He's brute force with a spear. I'm guessing if Mitchell is indeed a law enforcement officer, going about his daily activities with a spear might prove cumbersome. Where do you put the spear when you're standing at the urinal in the office men's room? I'm sure there is a lot of potential for hilarity and embarrassment for Mitchell as he's juggling his food tray and that spear in the commissary.

Perhaps Mitchell's rather anguished expression depicted here is the final moment between he and his awkward implement where he's basically saying, "I hate this thing! I'm chucking it for good!"

It's Been A Year Since George, Steve and Harrison Took Your Money

It's been a year and we've crawled out from under our Indiana Jones hangover. Yes, it's taken that long for me to look back and realize that we had waited 19 years for a fourth film and what George Luca$ gave us was a trip down his bank account. I still can't recall what the film was about other than some alien's punch bowl head, which to be fair, is given away in the damn title. What did I learn from Indy IV? It's been a year now, so the memory of that film is as fuzzy as Calista Flockhart's age. Oh yeah, I learned that the Russians make adequate Nazis provided you show a large jarhead Russian beating an elderly adventurer senseless, that a person can only survive a one-mile drop kick inside of a refrigerator if the source of the concussion is a hydrogen bomb, that dropping 300 feet down three waterfalls gives you a bump on the head and the giggles. Oh yeah, and Shia LeBeouf got popped for being stoned outside a CVS somewhere in the U.S. Wait, was that in the movie? I can't remember.
Speaking of Shia, aka The Luckiest Fucking Kid On the Planet Earth, he survived last summer's green screen embarrassment, getting his balls handed to him by Kate Blanchett's sword just fine. He's back later this month, dry-humping Megan Fox up against his pet robot car again. Something tells me the hangover from Michael Bay's latest Transforming trip down the Hasbro aisle at Target will be longer than a year. Check back in June 2010. Too bad Megan Fox wasn't in Indy IV last year. She could have cameo'd as one of Professor Jones' love-struck students who has the words, "Suck You Off" tattoo'd to her eyelids.