Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

(By special Mung Hour guest contributorm Double-S)

Last night, it hit me. They just don't make them like they used to. I know, I know. Old guys often look back at the films of their youth and decry that the new stuff is bat guano. No argument here. When I was a kid, my Dad just could not understand how why I thought Hopalong Cassidy sucked.

Today, my son simply cannot understand why I think Wanted blows. Folks, it's the goat from Narnia throwing curveballs out of a pistol. One, even if the once talented Doug Liman did create a suspension of disbelief strong enough to set aside simple physics, we still are left with a very nagging question: In 2008, with all the weapons at everyone's disposal, why is it helpful to burp a hanging slider out of a Glock 17?

It's dumb, but it doesn't know it's dumb. Since the film was based on a graphic novel, we're all supposed to buy it as art. Tell you what, if the 18-34 demographic wants to watch a four foot tall faun take orders from the former Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton, fine. I'll watch BELIEVABLE films, like Fire Down Below. This 1997 actioner featured the just barely pre-corpulent Steven Seagal as a gun toting, ass kicking EPA Agent sent to the back woods of Kentucky to bang Marg Helgenberger and beat the shit out of some now washed up country singers. Now THAT'S a movie.

What happened to the dumb action films where everyone knew they were dumb except the star? Make no mistake, when Jeb Stuart signed the checks to get Fire Down Below into production, he KNEW a movie about a gun toting ass kicking EPA agent was dumb, but WB owed Seagal two more films and this was better than a sequel to the one about the gun toting, ass kicking oil rig safety expert who couldn't figure out Joan Chen was Chinese, not Native American.

And I don't want to hear a Jason Statham rebuttal. All you have to do is watch the hot oil slap fight in the first Transporter and you know all you need to know about that guy's fan base.

Why can't we have dumb action films anymore? Yeah, Rambo 2008 was dumb, but that was mostly because of what the HGH did to the diameter of Stallone's cranium. Why can't someone get Dwayne Johnson to play a gun toting, ass kicking HUD agent who goes to the inner city to help a bunch of down trodden urban youth take back their neighborhood from a smarmy real estate developer played by Josh Charles?

A huge opportunity is about to be wasted this fall when Mark Wahlberg hits theatres as Max Payne. The movie is based on a video game no one has played since about 2003, but we're treating the movie as if it's not purposeful garbage. Like the character he played in Boogie Nights, Mr. Wahlberg seems blissfully unaware that his films are stupid. Though roughly 1/3 the size of Steven Seagal, Marky Mark seems age appropriately poised to take over the mantle abandoned when WB decided The Patriot should go DTV ten years ago.

Dumb action films that know they're dumb are CHEAP! Why spend $100M on Wanted, shelling out huge sums for Oscar winners to populate supporting roles? For $20M, you can throw a few bones at Sam Elliott and Jennifer Connelly, then let Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson play mismatched FCC agents on the trail of a potty mouth DJ who also operates a white slavery ring out of his Miami penthouse.

Putting a Period on the Period

Question of the day: who the hell is watching these period films? They are everywhere, yet does anyone pay to see them besides theater students and that chunky, closeted coworker who likes to give shoulder massages? Toss in a few single British thirty-somethings who actually think James McAvoy is a hunk, and that's about it.

Twenty years ago, a film like Dangerous Liaisons not only nabbed some Oscar nominations but even enjoyed an audience. Maybe it's because they were few and far between. For every Merchant Ivory film where Emma Thompson or Helena Bonham Carter sucked in their tummies for the corseted dress and Hugh Grant stammered in Edwardian attire, there are dozens of more recent films that come and go like the wind. And they all seem to star Keira Knightly. Perhaps her deal with the Devil for the Pirates franchise meant a lifetime of wearing bodices and doublets. Similarly, Orlando Bloom has done one film without a sword at his side, and it was one of Cameron Crowe's largest bombs.

When The Duchess comes out next month, ask anyone around you if they plan on seeing it and listen to the crickets. It's a foregone conclusion that a hunky actor seeks to pad his resume with period fare in an attempt at depth and range. Heath Ledger in Casanova comes to mind . Or the ditzy actress looking for credibility. Think Scarlett Johanns0n in The Other Boleyn Girl and The Prestige (at least the latter had Batman vs. Wolverine). One can't help but wonder what goes through a studio exec's mind when they say aloud, "Yeah, that fang-toothed bimbo from Spider-Man? Let's cast her as Marie Antoinette!"

Period films can be a terrific ride through history and great escapism if done with intrigue, style and a flare for the naughty. If we pay to sit through an entire film with Scarlett Johannson bursting out of her corset, can we please SEE HER BURST? R-ratings, folks. And how about some good ol' gore? Remember when Liam Neeson literally cut Tim Roth in half with his broadsword in Rob Roy? Now we're talking!

Nothing wrong with period films, but the recent past seems to be a lot cooler, particularly in the mid 20th century. May we humbly request a bit more L.A. Confidential and a little less Wuthering Heights?

That Summer That Almost Was: 2008 Movie Wrap-Up

(by Mung Hour guest contributor, Double-S)
We're pretty officially one film away from the unofficial end of 2008's Summer Movie Crop. Though Death Race and even Babylon AD's producers may take umbrage, this thing ends with Tropic Thunder as it's the last wide release with any real shot of making big bank. Actually, I take that back. I have no idea what to expect out of Clone Wars. Could not even venture a guess as to what that thing will earn opening weekend. (The Mung Hour ventures a guess - $17M based on tots who don't mind baby Jabba the Hutt who poops and farts.)

I've got to say this has been about the best summer in some time. A new super hero was introduced and an old one enjoyed his finest hour. An AARP eligible action hero from our youth returned to not embarrass himself commercially or artistically. Two cartoons hit it out of the park. Several bits of counter-programming exceeded expectations. R-rated comedy returned with a bang.

There were at least two bona fide sleepers with Journey To The Center of the Earth and What Happens in Vegas. Hancock was the quietest $200M+ earner I can remember. There were quite a few break evens that will surely go green when they hit ancillary markets. Hulk, Get Smart, Hellboy, and Zohan come to mind.

Unless Tropic Thunder dies, there were very few true bombs. Speed Racer will be the summer's champion no matter what happens from this point on. Some may want to put X-Files up on that pedestal, but if the budget really only was $25M, then it's probably got a better chance of lining pockets on DVD than several of the above noted middle tier films. SR was just a dump in the pants of both the studio and the creators. Way too much money. Way too much gayness.

Narnia may have successfully ended that franchise, because that one pretty much needed $200M to warrant another installment. It's like Superman or Hulk. Once the pooch is screwed, do you really try again?

Love Guru has effectively ended the tier one career of Mike Myers, though he may live on as some sort of shape shifting character actor. To the best of my knowledge, he's only appeared on screen once not masked by some sort of character persona and that was in Axe Murderer. He's used props for virtually everything else and even did so in his serious turns, such as 54.

Overall, I think we'll be looking back with longing come 2009. Unless some amazing shit gets rushed into production, we could be screwed. Then again, it does sound like that's happening. Tarantino is moving fast with Inglorious Bastards. Variety announced Pitt was in for the lead and that QT wants to be done by Cannes next year. Ballsy, but if he's been planning it for five years, there's a chance he can make it happen quick.

Quantum of Solace (or, Suantum of Qualace if you've heard the new song) and some other 'serious' fare is about all we have left to look forward too. The poster for Righteous Kill seems more like an ad for a laxative. At some point, both Pacino and DeNiro have to accept that they're way closer to seventy than fifty.

Max Payne? House of Lies? State of Play? The Spirit? Day the Earth Stood Still.

Oh, and after seeing the preview, let me be the first to predict the end of Jim Carrey in Yes Man. Looks bad bad bad. And he's finally aged to the point where he looks his age and having Zooey Deschanel as his female lead is borderline creepy. I'm sure he'll make a mint on Christmas Carol in 2009, but the zany urban comedy is oh so over for him.

So, there you have it.