Sweetheart, we at The Mung Hour have no problem with weight gain. We just have a problem with an ingenue like yourself, whose career is a tapestry of cleavage-bearing fashion magazine photo-ops extolling the virtue of the perfect physique, crying foul when you're caught smuggling mashed potatoes. When people still cared what you did last summer, you were obviously thong-worthy from fifty yards away. And it ain't like you've aged fifteen years and crapped out a half dozen kids since you ran for your life from the Gorton's Fisherman. You're a twenty-something bra and panty spokeswoman.
Look who we've got our Hanes on now, indeed.
"A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be," Hewitt responded in a post regarding last month's discovery of the Two Moons of Yavin above her thighs. "And being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful."
Pardon the pun. Size two, our ass. To have those proportions and still be a size two, you'd have to be about nineteen inches tall. A cynic would say that you took one look at TMZ when this all transpired and pictured a board room full of old perverts at Hanes wondering aloud if maybe they shouldn't cancel your multi-million dollar endorsement contract and put their Hanes on someone with a smaller butt.
We have no doubt the Jennifer Love Hewitt Big Booty publicity parade is coming to a daytime talk show near you. After years of making a living off her hot bod, Hewitt will cry on Oprah's shoulder about how judgmental society is, and shouldn't we all just be a bit more sympathetic to the plight of a woman with a rear like two Christmas hams.
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