TOP 5 INNOCENT BABES WHO DIED ON BOND'S WATCH

Every conceivable list has been coughed up in honor of the latest Bond installment, Quantum of Solace. Here's ours:

TOP 5 INNOCENT BABES WHO DIED ON BOND'S WATCH
5) Aki, You Only Live Twice. Poison slips down a string meant for Bond's mouth. He farts and rolls over, sending the poison into his lover's mouth instead. I know being a spy is tiring, but how could you be such a heavy sleeper, 007?

4) Andrea Anders, The Man With the Golden Gun. Knowing her boyfriend is hot for a duel, Bond smacks her around for info then nails her WHILE his other lover Goodnight is hiding in the closet. Finally, the poor girl gets a bullet in her chess by Scaramanga for her troubles. Bond, we hope you wrote a nice note of apology to her parents.

3) Solange, Casino Royale. Bond wins her boyfriend's Aston Martin in a poker match, then takes her back to his place for a quick romp before chasing after said boyfriend to Miami where he stabs him, then returns to the Bahamas resort to find the poor girl tangled in a hammock looking like the victim Dreyfuss examines in Jaws.

2) Plenty O' Toole, Diamonds Are Forever. Even her D-Cups couldn't keep poor Plenty afloat when she was found drowned in Bond's girlfriend's swimming pool.

1) Jill and Tilly Masterson, Goldfinger. A two-fer, 007? This really takes the cake. First, you get knocked out with one chop to the neck and wake up with a dead, gold chick in your hotel room. Then if that's not enough, you later meet up with her vengeful sister in Austria where you take her on a terrifying chase in the Aston only to see her neck busted by a hat-wielding Oddjob. Kudos.

Nobody Does it Better - Unless You Ask A Bond Fan

Inundated with blog after blog of Bond-age on the eve of the 22nd 007 outing, The Mung Hour would be remiss if it did not join the pack. TheAge.com has offered up one of the best summaries of the franchise so far this month. We agree for the most part, particularly with the praise of The Spy Who Loved Me as the quintessential Bond movie (usually reserved for Goldfinger). In terms of the perfect blend of action, humor, romance and action shaken and stirred with the cliches that launched Austin Powers, the 1977 Roger Moore hit really has it all. For the young'ins that want to sum up the Roger Moore era (and pretty much all of the seventies, for that matter), rent this film on a date and make sure you ply her with champagne first.

However we feel many blogs like Cinetopia dismiss Brosnan's tenure prematurely. While the films don't hold up as well now that they're all firmly in the rear view mirror of the Daniel Craig era, one must remember that amid worsening reviews, the films did better and better at the box office. While the critics griped about the movies, audiences truly loved Pierce Brosnan in the role. All the more reason in retrospect to afford Brosnan praise for single-handedly carrying that franchise. Imagine what he could have done with a really good script and freedom to explore the character, a request he tirelessly whined for. When you look back at all the casting choices, it was the choice of Pierce that people were actually waiting for. He was the people's choice.


But let's not leave Timothy Dalton at the curb, as he deserves a day-late and dollar-short round of applause for grounding the character back into the firmament, something both Brosnan and Craig should pay him a finder's fee for. While he could have brought a bit more flourish to the role, especially when up against the likes of Martin Riggs and John McClane at the 1980s box office, he rescued the character of James Bond, if not the franchise itself. Basically, Dalton was the Barack Obama of his time, left to clean up years of damage done by Roger Moore.

Lastly, Roger. Roger. Roger. The one Bond saddled with the worst decade of fashion. Just awful. Even at his fittest, the poor guy had polyester pants riding up above his waistline like my grandfather and had collars wider than Christina Ricci's forehead. But before we bag on Moore too badly, above all, he is owed the most respect for keeping the entire franchise afloat. Beyond George Lazenby, Moore proved that someone could follow Connery and keep the series prospering longer than any other actor. Without Moore's tenure, there would be no Dalton, Brosnan or Craig. In all fairness, Moore stayed past his freshness date, so perhaps he should have left his Trilby permanently on Moneypenny's hat rack in Octopussy. We all would have been spared what apparently is universally viewed as the worst of them all, A View To A Kill.

But damn, don't we all love that Duran Duran song?

The Next Big Hollywood Political Comedy

Rarely does The Mung Hour stray into the political arena, since The Onion has drafted a non-compete clause into our contract. However, it must be noted that since Sarah Palin really is the biggest political star of this election, we can't help but notice her potential political fortunes. If Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens does hang onto his Senate seat, then there is the possibility that he could be forced to resign when sentenced for his corruption conviction. That being the case, Gov. Palin could very well appoint herself the seat.

We would wish her well and hope that Hollywood capitalizes on her success with such potential films as:

Mrs. Smith Goes To Washington
Bride of Forrest Gump
Being There 2
Legally Brunette
Primary Lip Colors
Boobworth

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM THE MUNG HOUR!

Countdown to Halloween Film Pick: Ed Wood

Now if you're looking for a great Halloween film, you can't go wrong with 1994's Ed Wood. Forget Edward Scissorhands and Willy Wonka, Tim Burton got the best work out of his 'Bobby DeNiro' in this throwback film to the 1950's B-movies. Johnny Depp plays the title role as the cross-dressing auteur who has no clue that he has no talent. But it's Hollywood in the 1950s and why should any ambitious filmmaker stop at that?

Arguably Wood was the Sam Raimi of his time minus having a string of successful movies. His 1959 Plan 9 From Outer Space is notable only for bringing together Vampira (the REAL Elvira) and the late Bela Lugosi who had fallen out of the spotlight and into drug addiction. Martin Landau won a deserving Best Supporting Actor Oscar as the drug-addled and profanity laced Lugosi. Some of the best scenes are Lugosi filming his cameos for Wood's horror films and spouting off lines like, "Let's shoot this f*cker!" and "Karloff isn't worth the steam off my sh*t!" It's priceless stuff and Landau is mesmerizing and heartbreaking in the role.

Sporting an awesome supporting cast including Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette and Bill Murray as the transsexual wannabe Bunny, this film is a must-see for any Johnny Depp fan. Surprisingly, there are a lot of people who have never seen this film. Shot in black and white, it appears to be Burton's most personal film to date, balancing the Burton quirkiness with a near perfect homage to the creepy, dreary 1950s horror schlock cinema.

Best line comes from Landau's Lugosi as director Wood tries to calm him down during a freezing night shoot in the swamp: "F*CK YOU! You come out here!"

Bourne Again!

We have news that a fourth Bourne movie is moving forward. Back the Brinks truck to Matt Damon's house. No way you can turn down the kind of money this franchise has made. Damon is probably the only actor under 60 with a back pocket franchise. The big question is whether he can get Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck to cameo wearing daisy dukes and dog collars.

But here's the deal. What do you do with an amnesia based trilogy, post-amnesia? There are obvious hurdles here:
1) Bourne has his memory completely back.
2) He's killed everyone who trained him and fucked him over.
3) He now has absolute regret for all of his killings.
4) He has profound self-loathing for the fact that he ever was a hired killer.
5) A prequel perhaps? Damon is not in the shape Hugh Jackman is. It's doubtful he'll be able to pull off 26 at the age of 40.

In a franchise town, Universal is the kid at the table who is wearing thrift store clothing. They just don't have much but the Ludlum stuff. Moreover, Bourne's story arc kind of completed its course, leaving Jason, post-memory loss and regretful about his life. What to do, especially since the novels have run their course? Sure they can have him tackle Carlos the Jackal, something they excluded in the films from the novels. Or, make him a one-man A-Team. "If you need help, and you can find him, etc." We have some other ideas:

He's now a chef:
The Bourne Rotisserie
The Bourne Cotillion

Lawyer:
The Bourne Practice
The Bourne Time to Kill
The Bournemaker

Hollywood military adviser:
The Bourne Consultancy
Get Bourney

Gynecologist:
The Bourne Examination
The Bourne Smear

Schoolteacher:
The Bourne Recess
The Bourne Detention

Countdown to Halloween: A Film a Week

Well, we're just a few weeks away from the big night where kids rot their teeth and your shy female coworker dresses up as Slutty Mother Theresa, fishnets and all. Halloween is not just about getting drunk at parties and hitting on 22 year-olds who don't realize you're 40 because you're wearing a pirate shirt and eyeliner. No, it's also about watching scary movies. Preferably, it's about discovering one of your favorite scary movies on cable and passing out on the couch at 1am. But it can be a tease. How many times have we all flipped the dial to AMC and been excited to see Michael Myers stabbing someone but -- "D'oh!" It's Halloween 5, not the original classic John Carpenter film. Should have known from the bad hair on the mask. They just never got it right after Halloween II.

So the Mung Hour is counting down each week until Halloween with a choice horror recommendation you can rent or pray to the DirectTV gods they'll air it this month. (Oh, if you use the word "choice" in a sentence, that 22 year-old chick you're hitting on at the Halloween party will nail you on your real age.)

This week, since we brought him up, John Carpenter's The Thing. There are remakes and then there are REMAKES. Carpenter took the 1951 horror classic and added a good dose of claustrophobia and latex rubber. People forget there was a time when filmmakers used real stage blood instead of CGI (I'm talking to YOU, Zack Snyder). Aided by a first rate cast of men over 35 (unheard of in Hollywood now), Kurt Russell shows us how justified paranoia, confined quarters and a shape-shifting alien can really foul up the workplace, particularly in -32 degree Antarctic weather.

Favorite line: After watching the creature morph from a colleague into a giant venus fly-trap, biting the head off a comrade before getting torched, Donald Moffat turns to his coworkers and says, "I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!"