Remember
that awkward first season Mad Men episode where Roger Cooper anticipates meeting with a
Jewish client, so he scours the agency for their only Jewish employee to join them in the meeting? Well, last night’s #AcademyAwards damage control was about as subtle as Mel Gibson directing Fiddler on
the Roof at the Geffen Playhouse. That said, last night's show was over three entertaining-ish hours of watching The Man get his by a bunch of angry Hollywood liberals. These tireless freedom fighters for change all took time out of their hectic schedules to don $1,500 tuxedos and $15,000 dresses to trudge through traffic in limousines and town cars to take a stand against injustice, before heading over to the Vanity Fair party for Kobe beef sliders and champagne.
To boycott or not to boycott, that is the question. Each year, I hear people people ponder, "Should people boycott the Oscars?" My reply is always, "Of course, people should boycott! There are a hundred reasons to boycott!” But where to start? I mean, for a century now the film industry has been one steaming pile of nepotism, cronyism, sexism, racism, classism, you name it. That is of course, a topic for another time. The bigger issue last night, and it really is a painful topic to discuss, was that ...well, the Girl Scouts completely upstaged the Boy Scouts. The girls routinely sell delicious cookies, reaping millions of dollars, while the boys schlep wrapping paper and fragranced candles for pennies. Shame on you, Chris Rock! #BoyScoutCandlesMatter
Moreover, it’s a great thing that the
crusade for the Advancement of Attractive People in LaLaLand (the little known acronym #AAPL) is finally winning the
war. We all know that actors who are overweight, or have facial birthmarks,
missing limbs, or are in wheelchairs have had no problems leaping to the head
of the line at casting calls, but that’s finally ending. Hopefully gone will be the days when Poor Will Smith
has to fight for roles over more privileged actors like that paraplegic
from Galaxy Quest. Brad Pitt will one day no longer need to voice his ire to deaf ears about routinely
losing roles to Patton Oswalt. This will end someday. #PrettyLivesMatter.
There were some surprises last night. The best surprise though is always the surprise on someone else's face, so happy when someone else wins...
"I am bothered by climate change. It's far and away my number one dinner topic with the Victoria’s Secret models I bang. Oh, they try to steer the conversations to our foreign trade deficit or Social Security insolvency, but I’ll have none of it.”
“I know, folks. This week’s worst kept secret was that I’d be showing up to the Oscars to introduce Lady Gaga.”
Fish
paralyzer. It’s what’s for dinner.
“Hi, our future therapists were thrilled with the results of our parents’ coin toss. Summer camp and soccer … or starring in Room and Beasts of No Nation.”
“Hi,
I used to work for Fox News, and this joke will self-destruct in 2 seconds.”
“Hi,
I just won an Oscar. Your knowledge of who the hell I am will self-destruct in
2 seconds.”
“For
unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Saviour …”
