TOP 5 INNOCENT BABES WHO DIED ON BOND'S WATCH

Every conceivable list has been coughed up in honor of the latest Bond installment, Quantum of Solace. Here's ours:

TOP 5 INNOCENT BABES WHO DIED ON BOND'S WATCH
5) Aki, You Only Live Twice. Poison slips down a string meant for Bond's mouth. He farts and rolls over, sending the poison into his lover's mouth instead. I know being a spy is tiring, but how could you be such a heavy sleeper, 007?

4) Andrea Anders, The Man With the Golden Gun. Knowing her boyfriend is hot for a duel, Bond smacks her around for info then nails her WHILE his other lover Goodnight is hiding in the closet. Finally, the poor girl gets a bullet in her chess by Scaramanga for her troubles. Bond, we hope you wrote a nice note of apology to her parents.

3) Solange, Casino Royale. Bond wins her boyfriend's Aston Martin in a poker match, then takes her back to his place for a quick romp before chasing after said boyfriend to Miami where he stabs him, then returns to the Bahamas resort to find the poor girl tangled in a hammock looking like the victim Dreyfuss examines in Jaws.

2) Plenty O' Toole, Diamonds Are Forever. Even her D-Cups couldn't keep poor Plenty afloat when she was found drowned in Bond's girlfriend's swimming pool.

1) Jill and Tilly Masterson, Goldfinger. A two-fer, 007? This really takes the cake. First, you get knocked out with one chop to the neck and wake up with a dead, gold chick in your hotel room. Then if that's not enough, you later meet up with her vengeful sister in Austria where you take her on a terrifying chase in the Aston only to see her neck busted by a hat-wielding Oddjob. Kudos.

Nobody Does it Better - Unless You Ask A Bond Fan

Inundated with blog after blog of Bond-age on the eve of the 22nd 007 outing, The Mung Hour would be remiss if it did not join the pack. TheAge.com has offered up one of the best summaries of the franchise so far this month. We agree for the most part, particularly with the praise of The Spy Who Loved Me as the quintessential Bond movie (usually reserved for Goldfinger). In terms of the perfect blend of action, humor, romance and action shaken and stirred with the cliches that launched Austin Powers, the 1977 Roger Moore hit really has it all. For the young'ins that want to sum up the Roger Moore era (and pretty much all of the seventies, for that matter), rent this film on a date and make sure you ply her with champagne first.

However we feel many blogs like Cinetopia dismiss Brosnan's tenure prematurely. While the films don't hold up as well now that they're all firmly in the rear view mirror of the Daniel Craig era, one must remember that amid worsening reviews, the films did better and better at the box office. While the critics griped about the movies, audiences truly loved Pierce Brosnan in the role. All the more reason in retrospect to afford Brosnan praise for single-handedly carrying that franchise. Imagine what he could have done with a really good script and freedom to explore the character, a request he tirelessly whined for. When you look back at all the casting choices, it was the choice of Pierce that people were actually waiting for. He was the people's choice.


But let's not leave Timothy Dalton at the curb, as he deserves a day-late and dollar-short round of applause for grounding the character back into the firmament, something both Brosnan and Craig should pay him a finder's fee for. While he could have brought a bit more flourish to the role, especially when up against the likes of Martin Riggs and John McClane at the 1980s box office, he rescued the character of James Bond, if not the franchise itself. Basically, Dalton was the Barack Obama of his time, left to clean up years of damage done by Roger Moore.

Lastly, Roger. Roger. Roger. The one Bond saddled with the worst decade of fashion. Just awful. Even at his fittest, the poor guy had polyester pants riding up above his waistline like my grandfather and had collars wider than Christina Ricci's forehead. But before we bag on Moore too badly, above all, he is owed the most respect for keeping the entire franchise afloat. Beyond George Lazenby, Moore proved that someone could follow Connery and keep the series prospering longer than any other actor. Without Moore's tenure, there would be no Dalton, Brosnan or Craig. In all fairness, Moore stayed past his freshness date, so perhaps he should have left his Trilby permanently on Moneypenny's hat rack in Octopussy. We all would have been spared what apparently is universally viewed as the worst of them all, A View To A Kill.

But damn, don't we all love that Duran Duran song?

The Next Big Hollywood Political Comedy

Rarely does The Mung Hour stray into the political arena, since The Onion has drafted a non-compete clause into our contract. However, it must be noted that since Sarah Palin really is the biggest political star of this election, we can't help but notice her potential political fortunes. If Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens does hang onto his Senate seat, then there is the possibility that he could be forced to resign when sentenced for his corruption conviction. That being the case, Gov. Palin could very well appoint herself the seat.

We would wish her well and hope that Hollywood capitalizes on her success with such potential films as:

Mrs. Smith Goes To Washington
Bride of Forrest Gump
Being There 2
Legally Brunette
Primary Lip Colors
Boobworth